It's Book Club Time!!!

Today we’re talking about “The Strangely Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker” by Leanna Renee Hieber.

I couldn’t put this book down. I read it in two days. I would have read it in one day if my boyfriend would have allowed me to ignore him. But no, he actually wanted me to talk about my day and eat and do other shit...how rude. Anyway, the “Tale” includes mythological references, ghosts, a Harry-Potteresque boarding school, Victorian England, Jack the Ripper, and, most importantly, sexual tension. Even better, the tension is between the brooding, dark hotness that is Professor Alexi Rychman and his strange, kind albino student, Percy Parker. I love teacher-student sexualness; it’s perverted and it’s hot. I won’t ruin the book by actually discussing plot, but I will discuss where all the good parts are located. Let me qualify that “good parts”, in my not so humble opinion, are the sexual parts.

• On Percy’s first day at the boarding school, Athens Academy, she is warned by the headmistress that any fraternization with the opposite sex is grounds for immediate dismissal. I took this as some sexy foreshadowing. Is fraternizing in Percy’s future? I most certainly hope so!

• Although Percy is smart, she has problems with math, which means some private tutoring sessions with the mysterious Professor Rychman is in order. Could this lead to some clandestine teacher-student hotness?

• Professor Rychman teaches Percy to waltz during one of their tutoring sessions. This is soooooooooo fucking sexy! There’s nothing better than a hot man who can dance.

• MAKE-OUT SCENE ALERT!!! Just go ahead and skip to page 196. Bookshelves and “devouring” are involved.

• Professor Rychman “accidentally” walks in on Percy getting ready for a bath. She is of course naked....

Although there is never actually full on “doing it” in this book, there’s a follow-up due out at the end of April: “The Darkly Luminous Fight for Persephone Parker.” I’m convinced that the sequel will include penetration. And it will be all the better for having to wait. I give “The Strangely Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker” 3 out of 4 Libby nods.

Sexual...

There are those few wonderful things in the world that are so badass and so fucking good that they qualify as "sexual". After a weekend in Wilmington, NC, devouring assorted sea creatures, I nominate oysters as sexual. I'm not nominating oysters as sexual because they are supposed to be an aphrodisiac, but because they are freaking delightful little mollusks that taste like a salty, oceany dreamland. I consumed the oysters at Dock Street Oyster Bar (dockstreetoysterbar.net), which I would highly recommend to anyone living in or visiting the Wilmington area. I know I will be going back soon so I can relive the sexualness.

"I Reinvented Me Dead"

It was True Movie Thursday last night on LMN and they played The Two Mr. Kissels. The movie came out on Lifetime in 2008, but somehow I missed it...astounding. This movie has all the best material a Lifetime movie has to offer: rich people, sex, scandal, cat-fighting, blow, sluts, gold-digging, murder, an erratic plot, and John Stamos's hair.

I really, really don't like Stamos. There was something very wrong about "Uncle Jessie". In this movie I just want to karate kick his annoying face. In fact, there's something wrong with Stamos's face the entire movie. I think he's wearing a crap ton of eyeshadow and patchy self-tanner. I'm surprised he didn't win an Emmy for this role...ugh...gross. Stamos, in an effort to come off as smooth and bored, looks like he has a bad case of indigestion. He does, however, say two of the best lines in the movie: "I reinvented me dead" and "What happens in Vegas stays in our pants." Classic.

The other star of the movie is Robin Tunney. All I can remember her from is that '90's teen angst drama, The Craft. Anyway, she looks like a dirty skeleton. .. gain some weight, bitch. She's in her underwear a lot in the movie, and I can't for the life of me understand why? Plus, she always has this expression on her face like she's smelling cheese..."bitchface". One of my favorite scenes in the entire movie is when bitchface decides to bang the cable guy while her rich husband is working in Hong Kong. As bitchface and the cable guy are making out she says, "I found your tool." Awessssooooommmmeeee! In the next scene she gets a tramp stamp and declares, "This is out of control." No, your like 50 or something and your tacky Chinese symbol back tattoo smacks of B. Spears, trailer parks, and Creed concerts. It's not out of control...it's lame. I actually got mad at this point. But then bitchface kills her husband and I think, "I was wrong, you are out of control." As she bludgeons her husband with a table sculpture thingy, all I can notice is how much I like bitchface's outfit. It's really cute. Nice shiny, red shoes.

The last 30 minutes of the movie I got distracted and kept flipping between Stamos and 30 Rock. However, I wasn't disappointed when there was an end montage scene complete with harp music...a Lifetime classic. There was a lesson to be learned from the movie: Money can't buy you happiness. But then who gives a shit, I need to get PAID bitches!

Steel Magnolia's Quote of the Week!

Since Steel Magnolia's is the most badass movie of all time, I thought it only fitting that it get a quote of the week. If you've never seen the movie, then I can't talk to you, you're lame. Go ahead and skip this post and go watch whatever 'nardy, crap movie that you think is the best movie of all time. Does your favorite movie have Ouiser (pronounced "Weezah") or Dolly Parton's hair or Spud (the hotness that is Sam Shepard)? No, it doesn't. Maybe you should rethink your movie choices. Go ahead...rethink.

" My work tends to be too poofy when I'm nervous."

Mull on that!

My Mission Statement

What this blog will do for me: Because my talent and general awesomeness will become strikingly evident, everyone will suddenly realize that I'm actually not a losery little white girl. People will sing my praises in the street and I will get offers to become the new face of ProActiv, have my own reality show, sit down with Oprah, have walk-on parts as "myself" in movies and tv shows, start my own fashion line ("old lady chic" - lots of cardigans and comfortable shoes), have my own fragrance (aptly named - "You've Got Some Libby On You"), and win a Grammy, Emmy, and Oscar. I don't think this is too much to ask? I was going to add Golden Globe as well, but I don't want to get ahead of myself...