"I Reinvented Me Dead"

It was True Movie Thursday last night on LMN and they played The Two Mr. Kissels. The movie came out on Lifetime in 2008, but somehow I missed it...astounding. This movie has all the best material a Lifetime movie has to offer: rich people, sex, scandal, cat-fighting, blow, sluts, gold-digging, murder, an erratic plot, and John Stamos's hair.

I really, really don't like Stamos. There was something very wrong about "Uncle Jessie". In this movie I just want to karate kick his annoying face. In fact, there's something wrong with Stamos's face the entire movie. I think he's wearing a crap ton of eyeshadow and patchy self-tanner. I'm surprised he didn't win an Emmy for this role...ugh...gross. Stamos, in an effort to come off as smooth and bored, looks like he has a bad case of indigestion. He does, however, say two of the best lines in the movie: "I reinvented me dead" and "What happens in Vegas stays in our pants." Classic.

The other star of the movie is Robin Tunney. All I can remember her from is that '90's teen angst drama, The Craft. Anyway, she looks like a dirty skeleton. .. gain some weight, bitch. She's in her underwear a lot in the movie, and I can't for the life of me understand why? Plus, she always has this expression on her face like she's smelling cheese..."bitchface". One of my favorite scenes in the entire movie is when bitchface decides to bang the cable guy while her rich husband is working in Hong Kong. As bitchface and the cable guy are making out she says, "I found your tool." Awessssooooommmmeeee! In the next scene she gets a tramp stamp and declares, "This is out of control." No, your like 50 or something and your tacky Chinese symbol back tattoo smacks of B. Spears, trailer parks, and Creed concerts. It's not out of control...it's lame. I actually got mad at this point. But then bitchface kills her husband and I think, "I was wrong, you are out of control." As she bludgeons her husband with a table sculpture thingy, all I can notice is how much I like bitchface's outfit. It's really cute. Nice shiny, red shoes.

The last 30 minutes of the movie I got distracted and kept flipping between Stamos and 30 Rock. However, I wasn't disappointed when there was an end montage scene complete with harp music...a Lifetime classic. There was a lesson to be learned from the movie: Money can't buy you happiness. But then who gives a shit, I need to get PAID bitches!